Praying for Crop Failure


The Bible often refers to a person’s name and reputation. How the honor, or lack thereof, of the deeds you’ve done can follow you and your namesakes for generations.

Some days I wonder about the three Hebrew boys, the same way I sometimes wonder about Paul the apostle. Pretty much like I wonder about the prodigal son and his older brother. A lot of what happened to them was a direct result of choices they made, prior to our introductions to their stories. The terms by which their names were defined, their basic claims to fame, came from the decisions they made.

Then there’s Jabez.

Jabez’s prayer was to not live up to his name.  He obviously left an impression on God, for his story to be the non-parenthetical pause in the annals of the tribe of Judah. More than honoring Jabez, it was God honoring a scriptural truth that is a strong, fine thread in the tapestry of faith: you reap what you sow.

“While the earth remains, Seedtime and harvest, Cold and heat, Winter and summer, And day and night Shall not cease.”

And, the nutshell on that is: ignorance is no excuse. Doesn’t matter if you like it or agree with it.  Doesn’t matter if you believe it to be true. Whatever you do comes back to you…in spades. Every deed is a seed.

Just like any seed, what you get in return is exponentially MORE than what you give. You plant an apple seed, you don’t just get another apple seed; you don’t just get another apple.  You get a whole tree FULL of apples, FULL of seeds.

As much as I would love to console you about this, it’s a law, like gravity, that governs the earth. But, that does not mean there is no way to circumvent this law…sort of.

Any farmer worth his salt understands the value of deliberately sowing seeds. He pays close attention to the times and the seasons. He purchases equipment to prepare the land. He buys the best seeds and he hires enough of a crew to successfully put the seeds in the well cultivated ground, weed, nurture and regularly attend to the growing plants, and gather up the impending harvest.

This logic only works with an intentional farmer.  What happens when the seeds are deeds? Odds are, intentionality goes right out the window.  Most people don’t THINK before they do a lot of things. Most folk are reactionary.

According to Goodtherapy.org, the prefrontal cortex helps the brain determine, “Coordinating and adjusting complex behavior,” as well as, “impulse control and control and organization of emotional reactions,” among many other factors. It has also been discovered that part of the brain doesn’t develop fully until a person is somewhere around 25 years old, and THAT is based on proper stimulation for development.

How many people miss out on the opportunities to learn consequences for actions? You may want to check out, The Problem with Modern Parenting.  This is not an uncommon phenomena.

There are a whole heap of unintentional farmers, completely unprepared for their random harvest.

I have seen, first hand, what the reaping looks like when you arbitrarily do things without regard to the impact your deeds will have on the people around you, or your ability to make an impact in the future. Perhaps, you have, too…

That thought alone ought to fill you with a considerable amount of dread. I know what it does to me.  It makes me want to reexamine EVERYTHING I have ever done or said to see what pains I have encountered would be considered, ‘self inflicted wounds.’

That being said, what can we do to…undo all the negative we’ve done?  What can we do to change the future harvests so that there will be more deliberate, positive things manifesting in our lives?

If you don’t like your harvest thus far, CHANGE YOUR SEEDS and sow them ON PURPOSE.

In the Harvard Business Review, they talked about how the highest performances from project teams came from those who received six positive words for every negative one. That is just from WORDS of encouragement.  How much more of an impact would a positive DEED make on people around you?

To the intentional farmer, that is equal to pulling up the bad seed before it takes root and sowing over the negative rooted plants to choke them out, producing a much smaller negative harvest than one would normally expect.  REPENTANCE is a DEED creating a CHANGE IN DIRECTION that also employs WORDS in communication with God and His people that helps to uproot the negative seeds and make room for you to sow better seed into the tilled and cultivated soil.

Now, you have to remember, none of this can happen in your life until you become INTENTIONAL about the seeds you sow – the deeds you do, the words you say and the thoughts you think. You have to PAY ATTENTION to what seeds you sow as well as what seeds have been sown into you.

Throughout your life, there have been people who have sown into your life, in word and deed, producing patterns that you have replicated instinctively…consciously and unconsciously. Life handed you a bag of seeds.  You sowed what you were given, and probably took no thought of how or what it would impact your future.  So, if your life was good, you were lucky. If your life sucked it was bad luck. Random harvest.

But, now YOU MUST CHOOSE.  Just like the Hebrew boys. Just like the Apostle Paul. Just like the household of the prodigal son. Just like Jabez.

BE DELIBERATE in the moves you make, the words you speak, the deeds you do.  Repent when you need to and be thankful and open to the people who do right by you. Don’t just sit around, praying for crop failure.  Make plans for an intentional harvest.

Death Warmed Over


In my heart, there are so many things I want to talk about. There is so much going on with the world at large, as well as in my little corner of it. Things that seem frightening. Things that appear to be unfair and unjust.  Things that seem hopeless.  

So much of what is going on around us these days, is causing many to want to give up and throw in the towel.  It seems that disaster, destruction and death are all around us.

But, all I can think about are the plants that were in my office.

Here’s a little story about the Tell-Tale Plant.

Once upon a time, there was a little girl that many called, Suzie Sunshine. Suzie was fearless in her relationship with God. As a consequence, she was fearless in her approach to life, work, marriage and any other relationship.  She never knew a stranger…only friends to whom she had not yet been formally introduced. She didn’t believe in “personal space.” Everything about Suzie Sunshine was, “in your face,” right on front street. You never had to guess where she stood…ever. Her life, in this fearless state, seemed to be sublimely surreal to the casual observer.  When, in fact, Suzie Sunshine has the 6 generations of consistent faith in God that had been lived out in her viewing and hearing to credit. That foundation made each journey through hell look like a walk through a field of daisies.

In one of her excursions through hell, doctors discovered that Suzie had breast cancer. Stage 4.  It appeared that she was doomed.  Their biggest mistake was to tell that to Suzie Sunshine.  She wasn’t having it. And the people who surrounded Suzie, weren’t having it either (otherwise, she would not have had them around her).  

One of those supporters gave Suzie a potted plant, as a means of encouraging her. This plant seemed to have some kind of mystical connection to her. When she was doing well, it flourished. When she was afraid or distraught or despondent, the leaves would begin to turn brown.  But, it never died.

Neither did Suzie.

Several tours through hell later, Suzie found herself in an office she didn’t really want, holding a position she didn’t ask for, standing her ground for people who went through things she’d never personally gone through.  And that plant?  The tell-tale plant had grown like ivy, covering that office in lush, vibrant, glorious victory.  Suzie was able to step down from that position and hand the reigns over to someone she knew God had placed in the position, to go back to an office and position more suited to her personality. But the plant had grown too large for that office, so…it had to be cut down.

Suzie took the cuttings and began to grow them in other pots, to scatter around the building of her office space. She even gave pieces away.  But, there were three little remnants that refused to grow. So, she threw them away.

This is where I come into the picture.

The day that she threw those remnants away, I came into the office kitchen space and saw them peeking out of the garbage bag.  Knowing the history of this plant, I was stunned to see pieces of it in the trash.  I thought to myself, “THIS should not be!  Surely there is some life left in these remnants. Lemme see what I can do.”

I used a glass candy bowl, covered in daisies. I clipped the bottoms of the remnants and put them in water in the bowl.  I also added some plant food sticks and a half a cup of coffee (in my world, coffee IS food). The plant food clouded the water and made it difficult to see inside the glass bowl…I guess you could say it kept the mystery of the development away from the untrained eye. But, from time to time, I peeked in anyway.

Some days later, I decided I wanted to see what was going on.  They were in water, but the levels were low enough for me to actually see the bases of the remnants.  They looked like they were dying!!! The ends were brown and limp as I pulled them out of the water. I freaked out for a minute, then I heard, “Just add more water.”

So, I added water and went back to work. I kept doing this (and, every now and then…more coffee). It made the water look DISGUSTING, but I would not give up…I just waited.

It took a few more weeks before I dared to check again.  When I did, I discovered STRONG roots had sprouted. It was safe to plant them all in pots of dirt.

Today, those remnants are thick stemmed, rich green BEAUTIFUL plants, growing in their own pots: two in my kitchen and one in my living room.  Not a brown leaf in the bunch. And, believe me when I tell you, in the last month that we’ve been in my home together, I have checked on them regularly, because the rest of my life did NOT look as lush as those leaves would imply.

It’s still the tell-tale plant.  My life may look like death, warmed over, but I’m fine…the attacks of the enemy have been interesting lately, and at times, exhausting. I feel strong and full of hope even when I look wilted, frail and limp at the edges. And, to many, my environment looks DISGUSTING. It may not appear inviting – not in the best neighborhood, with the best ride and the best trappings, but it’s got everything I need to be what I am becoming. I just keep adding more water (the word of God), plant food (prayer) and COFFEE (songs of praise and worship and prayer in tongues).  

It won’t be long, now.  I am about to show you how strong my roots are becoming.

Stay tuned, KP family…

The Wonder Years


I have been off the grid this year. It wasn’t intentional. As a matter of fact, it wasn’t MY plan at all! But, that’s how God does things when He’s making something BIG out of your life. I was learning some very big lessons about myself, by spending an awful lot of time in front of a full-sized mirror…the eyes of another person. I have figuratively stood before that mirror like Adam and Eve stood before God after their first act of disobedience…naked, and  thoroughly ashamed.

I met my match.  I met myself. This is someone who had the appearance of everything I have ever been and gone through, standing before me like an unfinished thought. Someone with all the disadvantages of mis-information, as emotionally, socially and spiritually stunted as I was when I first met God. Someone who never had anyone actually believe in them, but feeling like, “I KNOW there is more to me than this!”

Me – knowing all that God has taught me and all that He’s brought me through – meeting the me who, at that time, had no hope, WISHING someone would throw me a lifeline.

I don’t know if you can imagine coming face to face with your own raw potential and having God pose a question to you: How would you treat YOU?,

“What would you do if I sang out of tune? Would you stand up and walk out on me?”

I was given the opportunity to confront every negative thing that I have ever been, seen, felt, thought and done. I have seen myself in ways that I would never imagined or even wished I could.  It has resulted in a deep appreciation for the work God has been doing in me all these 48 years. All the patience I required. I can’t tell you how many times I have thought to myself, “It would be so much easier to just…walk away.”

At that point, I would simply cry. And thank God for never giving up on me. Then, I would reach out, again, to my new friend/the old me, and encourage him a little bit further.

But, you can’t really TALK about this kind of thing to anyone while you’re in this kind of process.  People normally cannot handle this sort of pressure on a relationship. It really does require a season of incubation.. Not entirely like the time I spent in my own ‘cocoon’ a while back…it has been more like being pregnant with a fully grown human being. NOBODY knows what THAT is like!

And, then I remembered…God knows…

“For we do not have a High Priest Who is unable to understand and sympathize and have a shared feeling with our weaknesses and infirmities and liability to the assaults of temptation, but One Who has been tempted in every respect as we are, yet without sinning”

God had to deal with Jesus pretty much the same way. When Jesus turned twelve, God imposed “radio silence.” And from His big trip to the temple, until His coming into ministry, at age 30, the Bible says not a mumbling word about His comings or goings.

Jesus, being fully God and fully man, had to be a real handful! Honing that power and personality had to be more than a notion.  I imagine that anyone in on that process had to go through some changes!. In a day and age as we live in now, there would have to have been a legal dream team drafting those “Non-disclosure Agreements’ to keep a lid on all the goings on! But, everyone in on such an intimate process would be integral in the development of all the attributes that the Christ required for his 3 year mega ministry. Everyone else was pretty much out of the loop.  

The problem with a major transformations is they usually fall under the category of, “a progressive miracle.” You don’t know it’s really a miracle until you get completely on the other side of it. And so, to protect the imperfections of the perfecting process, God takes all of the attention off of you, while He’s still working on you.

I believe there are times when we feel our lives take on an aura of unimportance.  We can go from day to day, thinking that none of this matters in the least. But, consistencies are developed in these ‘wonder years’ that may lead up to one moment that could change the existence of everyone around us for a lifetime.

I am watching this happen right now.

This process has been, as I mentioned before, more than a notion. It was one thing to be in on my own, personal process. But, to be processed for the sake of another’s process?  It has taken me farther in my faith, than I thought I’d go.  It has cost me more than I thought I’d pay and has kept me longer than I thought I’d stay.  And the silence?  The excruciating silence of this wonder year has very nearly, literally, killed me.But, there is something to be said about dying to live again.

The fact that I have penned this little ditty on Independence Day, has not been lost on me.  I’m certain that means something. I’ll get back to you on that.

As much as I missed talking to you, my Kaleidoscope Family, I wouldn’t change it for anything.

Beef With The Body Count


I have tried to write this collective of thoughts from my broken heart, several times this year. Every time I start, I am met with a new set of circumstances to confirm my thoughts and break my heart again.  

I will not recount the excessively abundant supply of violent acts that have taken lives, so unnecessarily, this year, this decade, even in this last centennial. But, I will address the particular scenarios that have played out, ad nauseum, in our most recently history:

*Gang violence and murder against people in the individual community (black on black, white on white, etc.,  crime)

*Acts of violence and murder against people of other communities (the perpetuation of racial/cultural wars)

*Law enforcement officers’ violence and murder against black civilians, whether innocent or guilty

*Civilian violence and murder against law enforcement officers

*Local and foreign terrorist acts of violence and murder against Civilian citizens and law enforcement officers

*Acts of violence and murder against the unborn and aged, borne of convenience and, “compassion.”

*Acts of anger, aggression, hatred and protest for ALL the acts of violence, murder, terrorism, as well as for the enthusiasm and disinterest of the aforementioned acts.

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The rise in the occurrence of events such as these seems to have us all in shock, dismay and in a desperate need of someone to blame.  

I had a very dear friend in such a state of disheartened despair, that he questioned the purpose of his existence in such a horrid day and age. As he queried to the world at large, about what the solution could be, he found much support for his saddened disposition on social media.  

Desperate to instill a sense of hope into the climate, I responded to his post: LOOK UP AND REJOICE!

I continued, “God was very clear in His word that ‘perilous times would come,’ and that we should look up and LIVE, not only as this climate is an indication that our redemption is close, but also because, as God’s children, not only are we equipped to extend that hope to others, we have an assurance that, living or dead, WE WIN!!”

I got no response. I guess I wasn’t political enough.

I am concerned for Christians in this climate of worry, fear, heightened emotions and mass hysteria. Many get so caught up in the emotion of it, that they miss what God is really doing.  This is a slippery slope of flesh.  It’s important to mourn with those who mourn.  We are not made of wood.  The pain that is in this world right now is REAL! There are times when I don’t want to turn on a television, social media or even pick up my phone. This is all just TOO MUCH.  And, we must be careful with our hearts…they can become numb.

The only way to guard our hearts is to FOCUS ON THE HOPE WE HAVE.  

MAKE NO MISTAKE…this is a very emotionally charged season we’re in.  The reality is, EVERYTHING IS GOING ACCORDING TO THE PROGRAM.  Nobody wants to look in the Book and see that GOD IS ON SCHEDULE…HIS SCHEDULE.

This is actually a good thing.

We forget…the world is full of darkness. And that is as it should be…much more so, as we are nearer to His returning. How else will the light be so bright that people are actually drawn to it. But WE are responsible to lift up the LIGHT!!  The only way to do that is to REFLECT the Light within us!  We cannot do that if we fall into the mire of political postures and angry, vindictive rhetoric. Even in the days of Israel being slaves to Egypt. When darkness fell, and the people were all paralyzed with fear because, “they saw not one another, neither rose any from his place for three days: BUT ALL THE CHILDREN OF ISRAEL HAD LIGHT IN THEIR DWELLINGS.” (Exodus 10:23)

We cannot give in to the darkness if we intend to help lead the way to the light.

I have friends and family of color whose children are afraid anytime the police are called.  Not that they’ve done anything wrong.  They may even need to call for their own sake.  But they will not, for fear of being mistakenly killed in the melee.  I have friends and family of color in law enforcement.  Good cops and good military personnel who fear responding to the call to duty.

I have friends and family of EVERY color who are either too afraid to speak their disgust or despair for fear of recrimination from their peers and counterparts,  or too angry and frustrated NOT to speak out for fear that the next time they speak will be at the funeral of another victim of circumstance.

In times as desperate as these appear to be, people with hurting hearts will try anything to make their point. I understand that. I do not seek to recriminate. I have compassion on anyone attempting to bring attention to the problem. I think it is more important to identify the problem and distinguish it from the SYMPTOMS of the problem. What everyone is taking a stance on are the SYMPTOMS, while the problem remains unidentified and untreated. THE PROBLEM IS SIN. What we are all up in arms about are the symptoms of SIN SICKNESS. The solution has been the same, since the beginning. For the collective of humanity, it just feels like too much sacrifice and work for everyone to agree that the treatment must be the real answer and would really affect the change we all desire to see.

But, THE CHURCH should know better…

If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land. ~ 2 Chronicles 7:14

The world at large is covered in the darkness of sin.  They cannot even SEE one another, much less themselves.  It is THE CHURCH’S RESPONSIBILITY to REFLECT LIGHT in this dark age!! The promise of hope lives within us! We must not fall prey to the effects of the rampant darkness! How, then, can we produce light? WE, the CHURCH, must REPENT and TURN from OUR WICKEDNESS…our apathy, our disinterest, our lazy warfare and greasy grace!!

Judgement and remedy both begin in the house of God. We must stop politicizing the symptoms and get to the heart of the Gospel, if we are to affect change. But, responding like ‘everybody else’ is not the way to do it.  

So, yeah…I got beef with the body count. My beef is that MY HANDS are covered in BLOOD, when I neglect to communicate the HOPE within ME.  

But, guess what?  So are yours, Kaleidoscope Family.  We either rise, or we fall…we are all bound or delivered TOGETHER.

HOW SHALL WE ESCAPE, if we neglect so great salvation; which at the first began to be spoken by the Lord, and was confirmed unto us by them that heard him; God also bearing them witness, both with signs and wonders, and with divers miracles, and gifts of the Holy Ghost, according to his own will? (Hebrews 2:3-4)

So…what are YOU gonna do about it? Shall we continue to commiserate? Or shall we call on the name of the Lord and expect to see the miracles, signs and wonders that God promised?

It’s your choice…

Roll With It, Baby!


Some days I am amazed at myself! No hubris intended. I look at my life and wonder to myself, “Exactly…how did I get here? Really?”

Here I am, in the last couple of months that I will share residing with my now, totally grown, independent children, with whom I communicate very little, if at all. The whole of my existence is encapsulated in the smallest room of a house 30 minutes or more away from everything I do most often (work and church, and the friends from either). I spend so much on gas and car maintenance, quick and somewhat healthy foods, that I don’t have much of anything for luxuries like…thrift store shopping. I spend so much time going between the two places I frequent most, that my energy to be sociable is worn to a frazzle. And my house is really not my home.

And, then…there’s him.

I am in a relationship with a man I am certain will be my last husband. We both have ADHD that manifests in two different and distinctive ways. Our tastes in art and music are as similar as they are different. Our backgrounds are dangerously similar, and what God took 35 years to work out in me, I have had the privilege (and terror) to watch God work out in him in the span of the year we’ve known each other. It seems to be a really combustible combination. The wonder of it all is, we ignite without exploding and we have SO MUCH FUN together, even when we disagree. Part of the reason my grown children and I communicate so little…they don’t exactly approve of my choice. But, I had to remind them, I was grown when they got here. As such, I answer to God about these things, since He made me and they didn’t.

Nothing in my life is the way I’d hoped it’d be. It is not easy and certainly not glamourous. It has been a series of forward failings…I keep getting knocked down and kicked over, but as long as I pay attention to the direction in which I fall, I keep getting up heading in the right direction. As a desert baby, I have simply learned to roll with it.

It had to be almost 30 years ago, when I heard T.D. Jakes preach about desert babies. He was referring to the Israelites as they proceeded to make that 40 year journey. Their situation was such that they had to be ready to move at a moment’s notice. It required the ability to travel light, take only whatever sustenance was available for the day and, even in making plans, be prepared to drop everything to move when God said move.

As I have come to learn in the years since, the bottom line is, if we call ourselves followers of the Cloud (the Spirit of Christ that dwells within us), we cannot afford to take the departures of others from our lives personally. Unlike the days of that infamous mountain trail, we all have to follow the cloud, individually, even more than as a collective. Not everyone who shares our path at any given time is meant to take the whole journey with us. God leads us all on our own personal path. Not everyone can go where we are headed.

It is not wise to expect others to understand the path we are on. After all, the God who speaks to one, speaks to all. And, while His word is very specific about the general details of our collective destination, we each have a path to travel that is ours alone. We have to give an account for how successfully we’ve followed the Cloud for ourselves.

There is no kinship so vital as the ones who have been called to share your journey with you. Often, blood has nothing to do with, “the tie that binds,” when it comes to the path upon which we have been called walk. If it were the natural DNA that bound us to a common cause, Jesus would never have needed to say, “A prophet is not without honor, but in his own country, and among his own kin, and in his own house.” It’s usually the ones that are naturally closest to us that cannot see us from God’s perspective.

The only DNA that binds us to one another is evident in that we are obedient to the Word of God. Again, Jesus was quick to emphasize this when he was being summoned by His earthly mother and brothers. In Luke Chapter 8 is a small snippet situated between Jesus sharing deep thoughts and performing miracles. Jesus took only enough time to explain that, “My mother and my brethren are these which hear the word of God, and do it,” before He moved between the two.

Please understand: in no way should we disrespect or dishonor those to whom we have familial ties. It is the genetic pool from which God has drawn to equip us with basic traits so that we can understand and bind the generational curses, as well as activate and employ the generational blessings for our journey’s sake. Beyond that, we need to know that the only family that matters are the family that follows the cloud.

So, here I sit. In awe of how far God has brought me these 47 years on the planet. Resigned to the comings and goings of those who share temporary space with me, grateful to God for the time I’ve had to love and grow with all the desert babies passing in and out of my life. Excited to see how the changes in season will bring about greater victories in Christ, and greater opportunities to share my adventures with our Heavenly Father, with more and more people.

Thanks for rolling with me, Kaleidoscope Family.

you are here…


The beginning of April marked the end of the first quarter of this year, it felt like a good place to assess my present situation. In fact, every setting sun should be considered the same offering of opportunity.

The new year always seems to be replete with major losses. Famous people always seem to drop off at the very end and the very beginning of the year. This year, not only has the death rate of the very noteable been EXTREME, friends and acquaintances in my social media circles have encountered what appears to be an unusually large tally of losses as well. But, apart from the exponentially increased rates of violent homicides, I have noticed, with very few exceptions, many of the people who transitioned from this world in recent months have considerable accomplishments left in their wake.

They were found either doing, or having done what they came to this world to do. They were, either by accident or on purpose, humans being. While much of the world remarks about the tragedy of youth, gone too soon and the losses from natural disaster (I consider those to be a reflection of the times we live in and the casualties of the earth’s groaning for the Lord’s return), I find it equally important to make note of the many famous, not-so-famous and infamous, who have taken no regard to hold back so much as an ounce of what they’d been given to share with the world at large.

But…what about you? You’re still here.

There is absolutely no point in arguing regret for someplace else you’d rather be. No point in determining that someone else would be better suited to do what you’ve been given to do. There is no place else you really need to be, than where you are.

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I am not a big fan of shopping malls. Most times I avoid them completely. But, it’s actually the map in the mall that brought me to our subject matter.

So often what irks my brain is how easily I, who am SEVERELY directionally challenged, get so lost in the stinking mall (anywhere, for that matter)!! I immediately seek out that blasted map that tells me, “YOU ARE HERE.” I study that map, desperately trying to find the place I want to be and inevitably find something else that I don’t need to do or buy. Most often, I file that in the, “Not in the budget,” box and move on toward my intended purchase.

The problem with most of us is that we are not so self aware that we can clearly determine to ourselves, or anyone else for that matter, where we are in our own lives. That is usually because, not only do we not know where we are, we have no clue who we are or what we are, to conclude where we are, where we’re destined to be or why!

But let’s stick to our present situation…

You are in the place you are in. It is not an accident, despite what you may be telling yourself, that it’s you and not someone else. But where, exactly, are you? Is it miserable, pleasant or just, ‘meh?’

Is it where you want to be or is it on the way to somewhere else? Are you busy with things that will take you someplace else or do you feel stuck, spinning your wheels?

What are you doing there? Is it something self-serving or self-destructive? Are you tagging along with someone or is someone along for YOUR ride?

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. (Jeremiah 29:11)

Beloved, I wish above all things that thou may prosper and be in health, even as thy soul prospers. (3 John 2)

God knows why you’re where you are. And, He knew from the beginning of time that you would be there. If you haven’t already, you might want to find out what that plan is because, wherever you are is for YOUR benefit. And if you don’t know, you may end up doing something disastrous, while you’re just hanging out.

Whether or not you know why you are where you are, there are people where you are that are counting on you to figure it out. There are people, where you are headed, whose purpose depends on you getting there as well. But, you need to know who you are, where you are and why you’re there. That’s really the only way to understand where you are headed. And there are people in each and every place from here to there, that are rooting for you to get to your destiny.

Wherefore seeing we also are compassed about with so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which doth so easily beset us, and let us run with patience the race that is set before us… (Hebrews 12:1)

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I have only recently been able to really notice my physical weight loss over the last few years. The only reason I didn’t notice it sooner was because I was more impressed with my spiritual, social, emotional and mental weight loss during that same period of time.

God has blessed me SO MUCH in the last 5 years to get some extraordinary weight off of my mind, my back, my chest and my gut. I’ve been cutting back, beefing up and stretching out. I am stronger, faster, sharper and more stable than I have ever been.

I am in a place of repentance for judging my parents so harshly for raising us the only way that they could. As I became a parent, I tried to do everything I knew to do, to avoid making the same mistakes.I still made some of them, anyway, along with some brand new ones. Generational curses are tricky that way. But that’s where I AM today. I am more fully aware of my present situation. I am working to keep the correct course by listening to the Holy Spirit and actively seeking God’s word to stay within the proper boundaries for where I am. I am being proactive about preparing for whatever my next step may be (as the Lord directs me).

Enough about me…let’s talk about you.

You ARE here. YOU are here. You are HERE. Now, what are you going to do about it?

That’s Not How This Works…


Happy Holy Week, KP Family!! Spring is upon us. And with that, the upwardly mobile, the downwardly trodden and the stationarily stuck are all in stores, purchasing the latest available fashions to make their annual trek to church, two Sundays in a row.

Yeah, I know. That sounds a bit sarcastic of me. Call it the last and dying cry of a heart in search of it’s better self. Let that kinda explain where I’ve been the last three and a half months. (Well, I DID say, ‘kinda.’)

I find it ironic that I would spend, even an ounce of sarcasm on the same level of behavior that I have been struggling to be free from since we last spoke. But, it is that struggle that brings me right back to Palm Sunday.

This complicated, poetically tragic, monumentally victorious week begins with a bit of a misnomer. A fleet of people crying out, “Hosanna,” to a man who rode triumphantly into his own, personal, “Hell Week.”

Think about it all. Thirty years of preparation, three years of ministry and one week of destiny all kicked off with a crowd of people hailing His entrance with a series of rousing screams of, “Hosanna!”

People look at the “Palm Sunday” crowd as if they were celebrating the Messiah. But they weren’t. It was not a celebration. It was the ambivalent cry of people who might have believed.

The thing about people who only have a peripheral understanding of the word, hosanna, is, what they think they know is strictly trend based. But, that’s not how this works. Many people believe that to cry hosanna is to praise the Lord, when it is, in fact, a cry for help!

The definition of the word, Hosanna, is, “help; save, I pray.”

These were a people that heard the rumor that Jesus might be the Messiah. They wanted to believe, but the expectation did not exactly match the experience. They saw the miracles, here and there, but there was not enough for the majority of them to believe that Jesus was big enough to save the world and overthrow the Roman empire.

So many come and call Jesus out, in times of adoration to say, “Hosanna!”
But, if they only understood what it is they are actually praying, they might say, “Hosanna,” more often.

Hosanna, is a cry of desperation, not of acclamation. Whether of our own making or having been the victim of someone else’s bad decision, “Hosanna,” is a cry of repentance; an acknowledgment of the mess we have found ourselves in. It is the concession that our present situation is so far beyond our ability to deliver or save ourselves. Some would say it is the first step to recovery.

Cried once, “Hosanna,” is the shameless request for a miracle. If we are not careful, we will only cry this word out in times of crisis and confusion. And, in our departure, having received, we will forget, “It is HE that has made us, and not we ourselves.” We will walk away, so satisfied that the crisis is over, we will forget that the same self-consumed, instantly gratified, over-indulgent flesh that put us in the place to need that miracle, will put us right back in the place to cry, “Hosanna,” again.

BUT, when, “Hosanna,” is whispered, consistently, constantly, as the exhale of every inhale, it becomes a prayer of understanding that we are but dust; that only the inspiration of Creator to creation can make us more and more the masterpiece, and less and less the mess. It is our humble, quiet, earnest, heart-sought, “Hosanna,” that God desires to hear more than anything.

Hosanna, oh, God, from our selfish ways.
Hosanna, Lord in our day to day.
Hosanna, dear Father, from our childish nature.
Hosanna, from seeking fame, fortune or stature.

Hosanna, from the weaknesses of our flesh.
Hosanna, from other people’s mess!
Hosanna, from thoughts and words that snare.
Hosanna, from every un-cast care.

Hosanna, to walk in newness of life.
Hosanna, to stand in Your glorious light!
Hosanna, to show someone else Your way.
Hosanna, Lord, in our day to day.

There are so many other words to use for praise, to adore God. They are all available, every day.

But, to speak, “Hosanna,” from the heart, is the answer to God’s very own heart cry to us all: “Seek Me, while I may be found.”

This Holy Week…the week of our Savior’s Holy Hell…remember why He came to die. Don’t be afraid to cry out to the one who suffered, died and rose to honor that simple request.

Let your cry of, Hosanna, be felt by the heart of God this week…this day…and every day, from here on out.

Be blessed, Kaleidoscope Family! As we move forward together, you’ll be hearing from me more often.

In Everything, Give Thanks


Hey, y’all! I missed talking to you!  It feels like it’s been forever, since I’ve been able to put fingers to keyboard to communicate with you!

Just ONCE, after an extended absence, I’d like to NOT say, “I’ve been in the fight of my life…again.” But, yeah…there it is.  I’ve been in an especially challenging scrape…again.

The last time my boys and I were homeless, we were hoping to be covered and guided by the head of our household.  That didn’t really go so well. We’ve been living in the fallout from the series of decisions that put us in that mess, ever since. Living our lives under the radar. Making choices with the end result being mere survival…nothing more. Nothing about that situation and the ones that followed set us up to be established, contributing members of society.

Between us, there was not one survivable income. At one point, we “lived” on my unemployment check of $89.00 a week; first, living in the renovated garage of a wannabe slumlord, then renting and eventually squatting in a foreclosed home until we were discovered and legally asked to remove ourselves. Just trying to maintain on food pantries and grunt work and whatever hustles we could get on at any given time.  Then, with the help of a friend, we rented a house on more (but not quite) official terms. It was still under the radar. And, while it was more formal, it was not entirely the most legitimate situation.

Today, the ‘boys’ are now very grown men. And we have found ourselves in a similar predicament. That ‘almost official’ rental was sold and we told them we would leave in 30 days.  At the end of those 30 days, our situation, while much improved, had not completely manifested in the time we hoped it would. With the cleaning crew of the new property owners at the door, we quickly put our already packed belongings in a truck and waited on God.

And, in my waiting, I went to sing my first solo, in over a year, in our church’s new building, “It is well.”

I was, again, reminded whose I really am.

Almost 4 years ago, when I started this blog, I raved, ad nauseum, about my church and those who were, at the time, my former (and are once again) employers. Once again, Lighthouse Church of All Nations and PASS network for life, lead the charge in the preservation of my household.  They provided my sons and I with places to lay our heads and store our stuff.

That is the present state of my circumstances.

So, when I quote Psalm 37:25 (in my own paraphrased version), “I was young and now I am…MORE; yet I have NEVER seen the righteous forsaken, nor His seed begging bread,” know that I KNOW WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!!

PLEASE KNOW THIS…even though we were homeless, we were not without a roof over our heads.  I don’t know how it feels to live under a bridge or on a corner, or even in a shelter. For that I am grateful. But, I do have a very distinct compassion for those who have had that experience.

Welcome to the weird weekend of the paradigm shift!!

After a month or more of disappointment after disappointment, by this past Saturday afternoon, I was so very nearly about to break. So much so, that I did not trust the thoughts in my head to repeat them aloud.

It’s not that things were so awful.  My boys and I are all gainfully employed for the first time in the history of our family.  We are now legitimately and legally capable of taking care of ourselves financially.  Finally, we are established enough to incur credit and be real contributors to society and the economy.  We just didn’t have a home…yet. But after so many years of doing without, it was really starting to get me down.

When, out of the clear blue, I began to sing, “Up above my head, I hear joybells ringing. Up above my head, I hear angels singing. There must be a God somewhere.”

And things began to break.

By Saturday night, a promise was being kept

Then, Sunday, particularly at the 11am service, the words to the song we sang came alive in a most significant way.

“You called me out of darkness into light. The power of satan is broken. I’m free, I have new life. You’re a great and marvelous God.”

My mind began to rehearse some key moments in my life and God began to speak.

“Do you see? There’s nothing left of who you were. There’s nothing left to go back to. And, this last attempt of the enemy to keep you in the old patterns has now failed…completely. You’re free to be who I called you. Trust that…walk in it…it’s yours now.”

And I wept.

I wept for every person the enemy used to keep me at a substandard existence, and I prayed for God to bless them and show them mercy.

I wept for the strange, wonderful and BEAUTIFUL creature I’ve become (and I make no apologies for admitting my own beauty…you don’t know how long it took for me to see it for myself!).

I wept for the gift of communication that I am now about to use to it’s fullest for God’s glory and for the gifts and talents of my mighty men of valor that are being established to turn the world upside down.

I wept for all the wonderful, beautiful people, too many to mention, whom God has placed on our path to aid and guide and support us on this strange (and considerably dramatic) journey.

I wept for the home we are moving into next week.  We will use this opportunity to make the transition to GOD GIVEN SELF SUFFICIENCY.  Understand…our total dependence GOD is the ONLY REASON we are now able to take care of ourselves and not be subject to those who would keep us under their dominion.

And I thanked God for ALL OF IT.

In the conclusion of a most poignant Thanksgiving season, I have much to be thankful for…including YOU.  Thank you KP family, for lending me your ears.  I promise not to abuse the privilege

We’ll talk again soon…

When Nobody Is Watching…Pt. 3


I brag on my children all the time. I gave birth to only two, but the number of children I ‘claim’ could easily amount to dozens!! And, to me, each one of them is PERFECT. They are the recipients of the same love I have tried to show to everyone: the unconditional love of one who sees who you are and loves you, faults and all.

I have three sons that actually live under my roof, none of whom do everything exactly as I would wish.  And yet, I insist that they are perfect.  They are (for the most part) transparent and completely disclosed to me.  In their own timing, the tell me just about everything that is going on in their lives.

NOTE: did you see all the ‘out clauses’ I provide them? That is simply because my name is NOT Holy Ghost, Jr.  I don’t NEED to know everything about them.  I need only know how to pray and how to be available to receive them in whatever disclosure they and the Holy Ghost provide me.

The two sons that I bore are relatively guileless.  We three sleep with our doors unlocked and walk in on one another whenever the need arises.  We laugh out loud and talk ‘smack’ with one another in ways that some people looking in from the outside may deem inappropriate. All of this has taken some adjusting to for the son I claim.We have accepted how foreign a concept that kind of disclosure is for him. But, they all know there is never a question that they cannot ask without expectation of the whole truth.  They know if I say, “Because I said so,” it’s because the answer is beyond words and (most times) they trust my gut.  Even when they defy my order of, “Because I said so,” they know that they can come to me and receive correction without condemnation and some prayerful deliberation about how to handle the fallout.

When the sons I bore were small and our lives took on many different versions of ‘a living hell,’ they watched their father and me very closely. The degree of how closely they watched us did not reveal itself until they were both considered, ‘adult.’ I think the most fascinating thing about that is how accurately they assessed those situations, even as children.  Part of that, I imagine is because, while they knew they could always come to me. They also knew they could not come to their father and expect that same amount of candor and disclosure.

They watched how we walked out our ‘faith’ and how we demonstrated our relationships with God.  And, while things have not always gone obviously in my favor, they have seen God sustain me and provide for us in ways that have defied imagination. They have understood my childhood abuse, my divorce, our homeless and unemployed seasons, and viewed them through the lens of the Grace of God. They have taken the lessons they learned and used them to extend that grace to others so that I would never question that they have their own personal relationships with God.

This is not a result of my telling my children what to do, mind you.  It is, more to the point, a result of me telling them WHY I made certain choices when I made them. They saw that I was not living my life as a victim, although many people may have perceived it as such. They saw that I was living my life as a VESSEL for God to work through. I can only say that because they have said as much in some fashion or another.

Some of what has been revealed to me as they have gotten older were the details about things neither I nor their father realized that they had observed as children.  Things they observed only in part as children, that they have inquired after in their maturity, have produced the fruit they supposed it would. These things have confirmed for all of us that, when you walk in integrity, it is alright to be exactly who you are, exactly in the moment that you find yourself, without apology or defense before the God who made you.  Things that have confirmed that the consistency of your integrity will ALWAYS win out, especially in the times that you believe nobody is watching. They have discovered that doing the right thing, the right way, for the right reasons will bring reward in SOME WAY, as much as doing the wrong thing the wrong way for the wrong reasons will bring destruction.

Your best move will always be to forgive quickly, love people anyway and do the right thing, the right way, for the right reason, whether or not you believe nobody is watching. God is ALWAYS watching. And He ALWAYS repays.vlcsnap-2014-10-01-00h50m01s21116c0ee6e9afa31cc4255743146ef4b9a47cb076e05d6246be438505ec2b5945c

When Nobody Is Watching…Pt. 2


Learning to love as God loves, requires that you see yourself as God sees you, flaws and all.  It also affords you the perspective of seeing  others through God’s eyes, to some degree. It gives you an appreciation for the faulty construct of those around you and see them with love, compassion and acceptance.  Very much like the God who made us all, there is an ease in how we can take people as they are and love them unconditionally just that way.  But, in the quest for a deeper relationship with them, just like the God who made us all, we love them too much to let them stay that way.

Knowing full well that we are not the source of change, it is our desire to, at the very least, be that catalyst for the desire to change.

The ‘appearance-minded’ person doesn’t always take this well.  It is upsetting to them that they have been, ‘found out.’  At times, it will cause them to retreat from their relationship with an ‘unconditional lover’. It can cause them to reject the ‘unconditional lover’ for the safety of other ‘appearance minded’ people that won’t challenge them on the deeper things.

This puts the ‘unconditional lover’ in the untenable position of experiencing something, they have most certainly prayed for without completely understanding its depth and danger.

I have prayed, like many unconditional lovers, for God to, “Break my heart with the things that break Your heart.”  When it first comes out of your heart and mouth to pray that kind of prayer, it almost sounds romantic. It is full of passion to feel God’s heart for the lost and the dying and the displaced.  Your heart is to help anyone that God would send into your path, with a meal or a word of encouragement. You expect to build a house, work in a soup kitchen or serve in a shelter somewhere.

But what happens when you realize the things that really break God’s heart are closer to you than any of those things?

Three times I have loved and lost.  Not because I made mistakes, nor that I even lived so “perfectly.”  But because I saw my loves and loved them, flaws and all, unconditionally.  Because I saw their flaws and forgave them, even though often, they could not forgive me of my flaws or themselves of their own. Because my seeing them for their flaws without judging or condemning them defied their expectation of love. For me to not only acknowledge their mistakes and how much it hurt me but to still choose to be in relationship with them, was completely contrary to what they themselves would have done, had the tables been turned. In a couple of instances, the tables WERE turned and I was summarily condemned, over and over.

The choice to accept the forgiveness and make attempts to be restored gets rejected. Instead of taking their ‘unforgivable’ acts to the Lord together, in a willingness to make more beneficial choices that would glorify the God that made us all, they resorted to maintaining the appearance of rightness. Which meant that they resolved to surround themselves with people who would not ask the hard questions and shine a light on the darkened places.  They chose a life in the virtual shadows. They rejected that unconditional love.

Each time, in the devastation of my broken heart, I cried out to God to ask why I, who by most accounts am a pretty good woman, would be forced to endure such rejection. And, each time, in the softest, kindest, most gentle, loving voice, I heard my Father say, “Because you asked me to.”

It truly shakes one’s foundation when we realize that one of the things that breaks the heart of God like nothing else, is when His forgiveness of our sins and His offer to make us “Again Another” is rejected only for us to be satisfied in our mess and surrounded by people who are willing to keep our secret sins secret, in exchange for not being ‘found out’ themselves.

Oh, how it breaks the heart of God, that we believe it’s better to live the life we think we can get away with, because we think nobody is watching!

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