Gosh…It’s Really QUIET In Here…

I’ve got a snoring old man sleeping in my bed right now.

It’s my ex-husband’s dog, Vincent. My ex brought him over to visit. He used to be the family dog, but we couldn’t keep him.  One of the best friends I’ll ever have. I was craving his presence…

I have been relegated to radio silence.  In my prayers aloud, my voice has softened.  In the conversations with God in my head, I have no volume, no reverberation and no particular tone.  It is mostly code…groaning which cannot be uttered.  In a voicemail I left for myself, I did not recognize my own voice.  I usually cringe at the sound of my voice, but this actually sounded…nice.  I played the message 3 or 4 times. How odd is that?

There has been a paring off of my primary associations.  For one who is friendly to all but familiar to extremely few, that is already a very lonesome disposition.  I don’t know how lonely it is at the top, but if it’s anything like where I am right now, I may be well suited for it.

That’s why I needed the unassuming, unadulterated affection of my good friend, Vincent.  I do not care that he licks my face after having licked…well…anything else.  All I know is he will lick my salty tears and lay all of his 65 pounds across my lap as long as I rub his head and scratch his butt…which, incidentally helps me think and makes me rest.

Vincent was my personal escort to that quiet place I used to know. That’s the place where I don’t have to know how it’s all going to work out. I just have to know I belong to God and God loves me forever.  It’s enough to help me move forward with my destiny in mind, not in search of a plan, but in search of the next well lit step.  One step at a time, one moment at a time.  That’s all any of us gets.  That’s all any of us needs. And that is the moment I will live in; that moment of silence where I wait on the next step God will reveal. I will let that be enough.

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Kicking and Screaming…Or Not…

Me and God had a disagreement this week.  Couldn’t exactly call it an argument…my only responses were relegated to glib, smart-aleck remarks.

“You think You’re funny, don’t You?”

“That’s not cute, God.”

“Really? No…REALLY???”

“You…I…HMPH…I’ll be right back.”

“Can we not do this RIGHT NOW? PLEASE???”

For the last few weeks my emotions have disturbed my state of ‘mild disappointment and calm delight.’ I have strived for years to maintain this state in some of the most unimaginable of circumstances.  The cause for disruption is usually the same: I got a word from the Lord.

I got another piece of the puzzle and was told where to put it…but it didn’t make sense.

HOW IN THE WORLD do you give me a snapshot of the entire puzzle, snatch it away and then hand me one more piddly piece and say, “Just put it down right there.” It’s a CORNER piece, Daddy! DANG!!!  Why do You want me to put it in the middle when it isn’t connected to ANYTHING? How does that make any sense??

MAN, did I act like a BRAT this week!  I huffed and puffed and stomped my feet. I grumbled and pouted and generally stank up the place.  But you know what?  I discovered that was okay, too.  I am, after all, human.  I would like to say I took comfort in the fact that I, like everybody else in these carbon-based earth suits, have permission to misbehave a little bit.  I thought I was better than that.  As it turns out…not so much…on either count.

And just like any really good dad, God gave me the space to vent and when I was all cried out, he told me why that piece fit there and just said, “Trust Me.”

My little trip to the woodshed concluded with me in my office, on my face, with my hands opened up like a cup, poured out.  I was in a state of completely repentant surrender.

No, I don’t have to like the process…but I trust God.  Getting a glimpse of the picture is exciting and can make me want to rush the process to experience the whole picture, but I have to wait for things to unfold as they should.

I am fighting against the layers into which I am encased.  Fighting and scratching to release myself is not the wrong thing to do, but it is exhausting. Both the fight and relinquishing the fight are necessary. Eventually I will be strong enough to break through and I will soar.

Until then, the struggle continues…

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